Monday, June 7, 2010

Faking It

Yep, I admit it: I fake it. Everyday too! And, I think that I'm pretty good at it. My life has been turned upside down and I don't know how the hell I got here. Well, I do, but I like to pretend that it don't know. I fake it that this didn't happen to us. I may have some times where I am able to laugh, which is a good thing. And it is a genuine laugh. But, it's because is those moments while I'm laughing, I forget about this horrible incident. But, there are other times when I want to scream, cry, and curse the world. But, instead, I smile at you like nothing is wrong. I hold on a conversation with you and give you my pleasant smile all the while thinking, "I need to end this before I burst into tears." There are a few times when I just can't fake it anymore and tears well up in my eyes. Some people don't get it, some people think that it was something that they said, and others just ignore it. It's because I was faking being normal (whatever that is) and I just couldn't fake it anymore. I've lived long enough that I know the correct responses and reactions to things, just like the character Dexter. Yet, I am not a sociopath. But, like him, I am emotionally numb and I have learned to fake my way through this new life. I fake happy emotions and responses. I feel like I am a robot that has been programed with specific responses to specific situations. I fake that I'm intrested in your happy life. I wonder, "why do they get to be happy and Chris had to be brutally murdered?" I fake that I am so happy that you are having or just had a baby. I often think, "why do they get to have a baby when Chris and I could afford it, could take care of it and yet, we couldn't? And now we can't because he was so brutally murdered." I fake that I'm interested in your new boyfried or your upcoming wedding. I wonder, "why do they get to be so happy and I'm left behind so miserable because Chris was brutally murdered?" I fake that your lies about me and Chris don't hurt me. I seriously wonder, "What the hell are you thinking? Do you not realize the hell that I have been through and am still going through? Do you not think that I don't need anymore stress, and who would say such things to a widow anyway?" I fake that I care about anything other my own demise. I think about my own death every moment of every day. Most of all, I fake that I want to go on living this stupid life that I am forced to live without Chris.

I know that some people will read this and wonder if I'm faking my friendship with them. NO! I don't fake friendship. That would take too much energy out of me. I don't have enough to fake that much. I have a few people in my life that are absolutely wonderful. They get it, they allow me to cry, scream, curse, or whatever else that I need to do. I don't need to fake it with them. I wish that the rest of the world were like them. They let me talk about Chris whenever I need to, they even interject with funny stories about him. They are there to hold my hand, besides...I think they know when I'm faking it.

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