Thursday, June 3, 2010

Definitions

Our identity can be defined by who we are. I started this life defined as "daughter" and "sister". Then I became "student". Of course I had other small insignificant definitions in between student and now. But, there was no other identity that I was more proud of than that of "wife". I didn't even mind when Chris made a special ringtone for his phone that said "warning, warning, the wife is calling." I didn't mind because that's who I was. I didn't have my own identity anymore, I was part of a couple. And I was proud to be his wife. I am struggling now with my new definition, my new identity: "widow". I never dreamed that I would be a widow, even in my golden years. I guess I never really thought about life without him. What I find sad as well is that I will never be defined as "mother". Which is something that I long to be. So, I have to accept being forever defined as a widow. Because now that is my identity. That is how I am defined.

Our time has definitions too. When we are little it is age, 5 or 5 and a half, we can't forget our "half" years. Then as we get older, it seems our time is defined by school: how many years we are in school, how many days until summer break, and how many years until we are finished with school for good. But, it seems like as we get out of school, we don't define time anymore. But, I do. It seems like my life has definite time lines. Of course I have my school time line, which seems like it never ends. But, mostly my time is defined by Chris. My life before him, my life with him and now it's how long since he's been gone. Even when we were together, I didn't define time. We were happy, time was just something to pass together when we were bored. But, now it is significant. Time doesn't stop and it certainly doesn't go backwards. It only moves forward, sometimes slowly and sometimes quickly. The first few days, maybe weeks, after Chris was gone, time went slowly. Very slowly. Now, it doesn't go quick enough.

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