Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Dear World...

Dear World,

You are cruel and so unfair. I know that nobody said that life was fair. But, I waited so long to find my soulmate. Then at what seemed like the peak of my happiness, he was taken away from me, much, much too soon, and so painfully cruelly. I am afraid to be happy again. I'm afraid that that happiness will be taken away as well. I wanted nothing more in life than to be a family with my husband. I wanted a child with him more than anything. Now, you have taken that away. I cannot possibly have a child now because I wanted HIS child. That dream is gone. I will feel like I am betraying him by having a child with someone else. What else can you possibly take from me? Everything that I loved about life is gone. Everything that I possibly thought my life could be is gone. All of my hopes and dreams died with Chris. There are so many well meaning people that just don't understand this type of loss. Everyone at one time experiences the devistating loss of someone that they love. But, losing a spouse is a unique type of loss. I was a very independant person before I met Chris. But, when we married, we became one. My heart, body and sould depended on him to live. Mine became his, and his became mine. I relied on him for what seemed like everything, just as he relied on me as well. Now that he is gone, I feel like I am all alone. I don't have anyone that will drop everything at the drop of a hat. I don't have anyone to call when I hear news. I don't have him to wake up next to ever again. There is nothing but tears and lonliness when I go to bed. I have to put the tv on a sleep timer downstairs so that I can pretend that he is downstairs watching tv. Then when I wake up to a silent house, I realize all over again that he's not here and my heart breaks all over again. I still, six months out, pick up the phone to call him. The realization that he will never be at the other end is devistating. It's like hearing the news for the first time all over again, every time.

Dear World,

You have some very cruel inhabitants. One in particular, had the nerve to tell me that she knew more about my husband than anybody else, and that he told her stuff that he didn't tell anyone. Also, she said that he didn't want to get the DNA test, but he did it to "save his marriage". Yet in the very next sentence, she said that "he was planning on leaving me." Really? Which is it? He can't be trying to save his marriage and leave at the same time. But the bigger question is: what kind of person would tell a grieving widow these things? Even if it were true. Those things were said with the sole intention of causing me more hurt. She never once asked me how I was doing.

Dear World,

Another one of your inhabitants told me to stop this facade. Well, she was right. I have been faking. I have been faking that I am a strong person. I am not a strong person at all. If people knew what was really going on in my head, they would surly lock me up and throw away the key. I don't cry in front of other people, it seems to make other people uncomfortable. So, I cry in private or quickly wipe away the tears.

Dear World,

I cannot "just get over it" or "move on". All I can do is cling to the happy memories, move forward, and try to figure out my new identity, my new life. There is no getting over the ending of a wonderful life. There is no getting over what my life was supposed to be. There is no getting over the nightmare that became my life. All I can do is hold on to what was and move forward. I will never be able to move on. There is no replacement for what was and what it was supposed to be. There will never be a replacement for my husband. He was special, certainly one of a kind. I will never be able to "just get over him" or "move on". Chris will always be my one true love, my soulmate, and forever my best friend.

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